The Best Subject I Have Ever Studied

Why I'm deciding to stay home and only think about myself

Consistently, for weeks now, I've been finding myself in situations where I am stretched thin, all the way to the very boundaries of my capacity And maybe even beyond those boundaries on occasion. It has been so uncomfortable and disruptive that I even remember experiencing several moments of quiet reflection by myself during which I've wondered just how I was able to withstand my life's trials and emerge in more-or-less the same condition that I had entered them in. Not to mention there are also those accompanying moods...

Oh, I am referencing those low moods wafting in from an unknown source that you don't quite know what to do with. So you just slump sit with them, all while being unsure of why you're feeling so uncharacteristically low and uncomfortable with your life in the first place. I'm unsure about you, but I've worked too hard in my life and have made far too much progress in achieving this current remission in my clinical depressive symptoms to backslide for any unwarranted reason.

Imagine me, ill toddler in tow, at an 8 o'clock clinical evaluation to observe my youngest child's neurodivergent behaviors after her recent diagnosis confirming the presence of autism spectrum disorder. There's another doctor visit for my other child that afternoon for a different reason (and he's also ill like his sister), and I've been awake since before 4AM. Needless to say, I'm so exhausted that I could cry -- oh wait, I DID cry just the day before -- and the people in my support team are all too busy to offer a shoulder to lean onto. It's pointless to vent to any one of them because they are too far removed from my reality and can't even begin to understand my perspective. I manage to make it through this day of accidentally starving myself, only to end up alone with my thoughts as I wait for dinner to be delivered that night.

Why can't I shake this pitiful feeling that I've found myself wrapped up in?

I've had hard days before; this isn't my first rodeo for sure. But this time is different I tell you... You see, I can usually face the day just fine while remaining secure in my identity and my capabilities as an individual. I can face my hurdles head-on and not fall to pieces, even if I do fall down. So, why do I now feel this almost foreign sensation of losing myself into this isolated void? I can feel the strange emotion creeping up higher and higher as time goes on until it threatens to fully cover me up in its cold mass.

Am I "simply" experiencing a downward swing in my mood cycles? Will I happen to just rebound from this back to my hard-won place in a state of recovery and remission? I hope so, as I write this now after waking up and leaving my side of the bed.

I did something I don't do often, or regularly at least. I checked my horoscope. Think what you will about astrology, but I find it fascinating. I didn't opt to just hurriedly look up the published details for Libra in the daily newspaper, nor did I choose to reference a very popular website’s horoscope section. I instead took my time to re-download the application that I know for delivering the most detailed and specific astrological reports for its users that I have ever read: Co-star.

My general daily horoscope from Co-Star Astrology. Add me as a friend with @chsmiths601!

Imagine how tickled I was to see this guidance of the day spelled out so uniquely for me on my phone's screen:

"Staying home today will do you good... It's okay to not be in constant motion... The broader focus of your life during this time is to be realistic about your capacity. You won't be able to concentrate on anything until you are able to concentrate on yourself."

Concentrate on... myself?! I'm sad to say that, recently, I've forgotten how to do exactly this. The above advice itself is sound, but its execution will feel very strange to me initially. But this is my good-faith effort towards my own self-preservation: I'm declaring the current times to be designated for concentrating on myself, for myself.

And as for myself, this will naturally extend its benefits to my children, to my family, to my connections, to society, and the world.

So, this is your advance notice that you’ll be seeing less of me around here for the time being. I’ll still be around to engage and network, but my regular weekly cadence of new newsletter editions will most certainly be disrupted while I invest in my own wellbeing over here. I’ll publish when I’m inspired to, and not just to keep up a routine. This means a much higher quality output, so the wait will be well worth it.

What will I be doing with my time?.. You might be wondering this. I myself happen to be wondering this. As such, I’d like to take a moment to propose a few vague intentions to set for myself. They won’t be actual goals because I’d rather not feel any disappointment if I do fall short of achieving them.

Here’s what I’m hoping to do:

1. Complete one “selfish” activity just for my own enjoyment (wish me luck with this one).

2. Enjoy time just being with my two children. They’re both getting SO big.

3. Modify the actual Marketing Plan for Cheniece Patrick OBM in an experiment to increase the number (and quality) of my incoming leads. This will directly lift my spirits.

4. Batch work some social media marketing and new articles here. Getting ahead will feel great!

5. Get physical with a type of exercise so that my husband will stop “suggesting” that we join a local gym. I’m thinking about Yoga/Pilates.

I’ll see you around! I’ll be fully back soon!