My Business Allows Me To Cry
Alone in the car while it's raining...
What a dreary Christmas...
Thankfully, I built a business that fits nicely around and inside of my life as it is, so I'm free to live moments like these. I don't have to think about my upcoming invoicing at all. Instead, I can look up at the skies so densely gray from scattered showers that it disguises what time of day it is.
I have the time and space (and grace) enough to temporarily forego the natural command that I have over my own life, and grieve the fact that I've damaged a tooth and can only smile with a closed mouth until January, that my firstborn is still vomiting from days ago and that we actually might need to visit the Urgent Care Clinic soon, and that our pregnant senior cat will soon lose another entire litter born with Failing Kitten Syndrome.
I strategically built systems that can sustain my business operations while I let tears surge and crash down my face over and over again outside in the car while I hide my eyes from my two kids in the backseat. If my daughter had caught me in that condition, I decided that I would lie and explain to her that the rain had simply fallen down onto Mommy's upturned face.
'Tis the Season to be thoughtful and introspective. Frankly, the allegorical myth demanding all of this holiday's celebrations means less and less to me as the days pass by. I still encourage the children to be obedient (also, to think for yourself and question authority--just not my authority...) so that Santa Claus will bring them more presents. Surprise: they did no such thing and Santa still loaded them up with way more amazing and cool new toys than we have room to store them in.
I have spent this year being and experiencing so many different things. And "Happy" has been one of those things if I'm being honest with myself. There are also "Busy, Productive (the two are very different), Overwhelmed, Grieving, Amused, Confused, and Satisfied."
But back during my moment of crying outside in the car during the rain, I was spotted and held as guilty of "being in [my] feelings" by one of my maternal uncles. The redneck one specifically.
"Don't do this anymore..." he warned me as he approached the vehicle. "But did someone say something to you?" he asked, searching for why I had suddenly excused myself from the family gathering so early on.
"No, no," I replied simply. There was a brief pause as he carefully considered his next words before opening his mouth again.
"Is it.. your kids?..." And at that, more tears immediately pooled in the wells of my eyes and then crashed hard down my cheeks, wave-after-wave. I had answered him clearly.
And I'm not nearly ashamed of my kids, and I completely accept them for who they are. But that does not erase the fact that this world is not built for people like them, people like me. It's getting better, but will never fully arrive.
I advocate for my two neurodivergent toddlers in clinical settings and everywhere else. The two of them may be none-to-partially verbal, but I’m not. I take my role as their Number One Support Source very seriously. But sometimes I feel absolutely exhausted from standing ever-ready to answer so many of the well-intended and ignorant questions, to gently correct incorrect assumptions, and to offer medical explanations for why, why, why... And I'm all the more tired of it when my fortitude tank is already emptied to fumes and vapor.
And, so, my recourse was to take a moment to be with myself outside in our white Chevy Equinox before I collected my husband and headed towards home, slowly going along the wet roads on that Christmas night.
I built my business to operate around this one precious life of mine, so that I would always be available for the moments where I have to be a Mom, or go hide out and cry. But, I tell you, I'm also grateful for the moments when my client work keeps me nice and distracted with plenty of unrelated tasks.
A belated Happy Holidays and Happy New Year from me to you.
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It’s definitely a roller coaster raising neurodivergent kids and you’ll be experiencing so many emotions. It’s complex and the best thing you can do is keep feeling and expressing the not so nice feelings so they pass.